yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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