I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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