Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
