If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
