If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
