This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
