my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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