Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
