I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
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If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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