apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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