he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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