please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
