Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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