I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
