Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
