I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
