I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
