Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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