My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
