Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
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Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
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I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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