eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
