She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
