im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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