just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
