our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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