mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
