I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
