I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
