a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
