some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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