Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
