I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
