Will you blow on my dice?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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