I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
