none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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