I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
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I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
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As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize