if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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