I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
A+ Viking dick
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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