and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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