i just sent this text using only my big toe
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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