i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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