Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
