Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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