I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
