I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You're a waste of cheezeits
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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