Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
