Just fell off a train. Bad.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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