Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
