at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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