peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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