I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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