i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
