I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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