.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
