i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
there is glitter all over my balls
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