the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
