When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
